Well, we survived. There were moments I had my doubts that 2018 would roll around. Like that time President Donald Trump called Kim Jong-un “rocket man.” Or when U.S. Rep. Ed Pearlmutter pulled out of the race for Colorado governor.
OK. OK. So only one of those was really a potential harbinger of the end of the world, but you catch my drift of despair.
In an effort to help 2018 be a little less of a cliffhanger, I thought that once again I’d help some of Colorado’s finest with their New Year’s resolutions.
Time is running short for Colorado’s Gov. John Hickenlooper. Like a senior preparing to graduate from high school, the beer aficionado has a matter of months left as the big dog on campus before he rejoins the real world with Dick Lamm, Roy Romer, Bill Owens and Bill Ritter. Will he ride off into the sunset playing his banjo? Will he some day be jamming out to “Hail to the Chief” (or vice chief)? One thing is certain, the governor should resolve to not pursue a music career or an acting career, or an event-organizing career (you know, since the 2017 special session he called was an unmitigated disaster).
State Rep. Steve Lebsock, the formerly little-known state lawmaker, should pledge to make his private life, well, a little more private again. The Democrat who is running for state treasurer in 2018 was accused by several women of sexual harassment, and while his defense against the allegations has been an entertaining bonfire of vanity, I’m sure all of Colorado agrees this glimpse into his psyche has been a bit like a bad episode of Jerry Springer, replete with a laughable lie-detector test and a rambling manifesto of political conspiracy.
U.S. Sen. Cory Gardner should resolve, well, to have a little more resolve. Although Coloradans are certainly thrilled he’s really opposed to “asses with Nazi flags” and pedophiles (apparently these are positions that can’t be taken for granted in this age of Trump), what I’m sure residents of this great state would really love is for him to use his office to weigh in on some substantial public policy debates, preferably sometime before the day of the vote.
Denver Mayor Michael Hancock should vow not to cut down any trees in 2018. Sure, it’s hard to be an elected official in a city this liberal — sometimes a coffee shop’s pro-gentrification ad campaign ruins your Thanksgiving and on other days the organizers of the 4/20 rally leave a big mess behind at Civic Center and you’ve got to be the bad guy who bans them from hosting the next marijuana festival. Hey, I hear ya. But when you are handed a 155-acre gift in your term, like the now-delayed possibility to acquire the Park Hill Golf Course that was previously conserved park land, you should remember just how green-loving your constituents are before you fire up the chainsaw to make way for drainage, or worse, some sort of mixed-use housing development.
State Senate President Kevin Grantham, Colorado’s last bastion of hope standing between us and socialism, a non-obstructionist consistently vilified by his own party for his ability to get things done, should swear to put out more YouTube videos. I’m not being sarcastic. His skit waiting for the governor to call about a special session certainly would have landed him some sort of starring role had his caucus not helped kill funding for the film tax credits in 2017.
And now for the most obvious advice of 2017: State Rep. Lori Saine, the Republican from Weld County who was arrested for trying to bring a loaded handgun through security at Denver International Airport, should try to leave her gun at home in 2018.
Here’s hoping that next year is a good one for Colorado and all its elected officials.
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